With A Love That Quiets All My Fears...

I am in awe of our Lord. Sitting in the Good Friday mass tonight, I just couldn’t believe He thought I was worth dying for.

Me. Colleen. The girl that falls asleep during prayers, sins, and sins some more. 

He still thought I was worth it. He knew my heart and knew I was worth it.

I just…can’t even describe the awe I have for that.

Something the priest said tonight struck a cord in particular. Now I’ve read most of the Gospel accounts of the Passion and the words describing the violence put upon Jesus Christ always stuck out highlighting the torture and abuse He endured before finally being crucified. Tonight, the priest alluded to that. 

“As much as Jesus suffered from the pain and the lashes and the torture, that was nothing compared to the emotional suffering he endured in His heart.”

Wow. Just let that soak in. 

This is the first time it hit me what was meant by Him dying for my sins. I think of the times when I have sinned and that time before confession. It just eats me up. It’s all I can focus on. I am so sorry to the point of tears sometimes. The worst feeling is the absolute disappointment. The disappointment I feel every time for letting Him down. For giving in. For letting the Devil win in my heart. For letting evil rest there. Sometimes, it just halts my life. I just can’t get over it. God loves me so much and I can’t do _____ for Him.

Every moment I have ever felt like that. Every sin that has ever hit me. Every pain I have caused myself from sin. All of that. Jesus felt all of that. For every single sin in my life. The amount of hurt He must have felt…I can’t even imagine. He took that all upon Himself to save me and so I could one day be up in Heaven for eternity with Him. He knows my heart. He knows the evil I have let in. He knows where I have fallen and where I will fall again. He chose to die for me anyway.

And that’s just me thinking about me. He felt that same pain for every single person that was, is, and will be. I can’t even believe His own heart wasn’t ripped to shreds from that. I just can’t handle it. All of our failures, disappointments, sadnesses, losses of hope, guilts, He felt. I am just blown away by His great love for us.

Thinking of this has really changed the way I think about sin. For me now, I want to cause Jesus the least amount of pain I can. I have already caused Him so much. By living my life as close to sin-free as possible, I am showing Him how much I love Him and how I don’t want to cause Him anymore pain. I want to live like Mary. Humble. Compassionate. Loving. Trusting everything in the Lord even though she doesn’t quite know what He is up to or what His plan is. She caused Him no pain. Can you imagine?

I want to cause Jesus as little pain as possible. He gave it all so I could have it all. He deserves nothing less than my entire life in dedication to serving Him.

I have always considered myself to be a giving and compassionate person. I volunteer when an opportunity arises. I always give the dollar when they ask for a donation in the grocery store. I’ve been a bell ringer asking for donations.

But as good as that looks, it’s not enough. I should be serving God and His people every single day, in some way.

Tonight was Holy Thursday. In the gospel coming from John 13:1-15, the story of Jesus washing the feet of his disciples is told. After he finishes, he leaves his disciples with these words:

He said to them, “Do you realize what I have done for you?
You call me ‘teacher’ and ‘master,’ and rightly so, for indeed I am.
If I, therefore, the master and teacher, have washed your feet, 
you ought to wash one another’s feet.
I have given you a model to follow, 
so that as I have done for you, you should also do.” (John 13:12-15)

Is anyone else’s mind just completely blown? Our God. Our Lord. Our Savior. Our everything. He humbled himself enough to lower himself and wash the feet of his twelve disciples. Can you imagine doing such a thing? I have no position of power. I am not a leader of anything.  I am nothing compared to Jesus Christ and thinking about washing another’s feet freaked me out and sparked a mini panic attack. Really, Colleen? Really?

Now of course, that was me taking it in the literal sense. Jesus was telling his disciples to go out, humble themselves, and serve others as he had humbled and served them. There are so many ways I can do this in my life, many of which I won’t even know about until the moment comes.

I love leading. I love being in control and in charge of everything. Things in AGD, group projects, heck, even family vacations (I held a “mandatory” Spanish phrase teaching session for my family in the limo on the way to the airport before we flew off to Mexico. What does that tell you?) I am so attached to having that control. I control whatever I can. I need to be a follower of God now. I need to let Him do the leading. I need to learn how to put myself in the position of a follower. I need to learn to listen to instructions. It’s a work in progress, but I’ll get there. I’ve been told many times before that I intimidate people. How horrible is that! I don’t want to be perceived in that way! I want people to be able to come to me with anything. By letting that controlling pride in me go, I can become that person.

In the coming fall, I don’t want to take on anymore leadership roles. Will I help with Titan Catholic getting started up? Absolutely. But I just want to get it going and then let God take over. If He leads through me, fine. With everything else though, no thank you. No exec board in Law Society. No position in APO. I’m just going to be one in the crowd. I’m going to learn how to be a sheep in the flock following my Sheperd.

By truly humbling myself, I can become the hands and feet of the Lord. I can do the dirty work. I can wash the feet of His people. It is so important that I learn to serve as He did and humble myself as He did.

I ask for your prayers as I continue to work on this. Thanks for your support in reading. =]

waynoly:

Broken Glass and Butterfly Wings: dear tumblr, I am 100% hardcore, intense CATHOLIC. let me explain.

myscatteredlight:

you know what this means?

It means that I am pro-life and believe in human dignity, from the time of conception to the time we die. I believe that…

(Source: my-scattered-light, via hreinleiki-deactivated20121123)