I am in awe of our Lord. Sitting in the Good Friday mass tonight, I just couldn’t believe He thought I was worth dying for.
Me. Colleen. The girl that falls asleep during prayers, sins, and sins some more.
He still thought I was worth it. He knew my heart and knew I was worth it.
I just…can’t even describe the awe I have for that.
Something the priest said tonight struck a cord in particular. Now I’ve read most of the Gospel accounts of the Passion and the words describing the violence put upon Jesus Christ always stuck out highlighting the torture and abuse He endured before finally being crucified. Tonight, the priest alluded to that.
“As much as Jesus suffered from the pain and the lashes and the torture, that was nothing compared to the emotional suffering he endured in His heart.”
Wow. Just let that soak in.
This is the first time it hit me what was meant by Him dying for my sins. I think of the times when I have sinned and that time before confession. It just eats me up. It’s all I can focus on. I am so sorry to the point of tears sometimes. The worst feeling is the absolute disappointment. The disappointment I feel every time for letting Him down. For giving in. For letting the Devil win in my heart. For letting evil rest there. Sometimes, it just halts my life. I just can’t get over it. God loves me so much and I can’t do _____ for Him.
Every moment I have ever felt like that. Every sin that has ever hit me. Every pain I have caused myself from sin. All of that. Jesus felt all of that. For every single sin in my life. The amount of hurt He must have felt…I can’t even imagine. He took that all upon Himself to save me and so I could one day be up in Heaven for eternity with Him. He knows my heart. He knows the evil I have let in. He knows where I have fallen and where I will fall again. He chose to die for me anyway.
And that’s just me thinking about me. He felt that same pain for every single person that was, is, and will be. I can’t even believe His own heart wasn’t ripped to shreds from that. I just can’t handle it. All of our failures, disappointments, sadnesses, losses of hope, guilts, He felt. I am just blown away by His great love for us.
Thinking of this has really changed the way I think about sin. For me now, I want to cause Jesus the least amount of pain I can. I have already caused Him so much. By living my life as close to sin-free as possible, I am showing Him how much I love Him and how I don’t want to cause Him anymore pain. I want to live like Mary. Humble. Compassionate. Loving. Trusting everything in the Lord even though she doesn’t quite know what He is up to or what His plan is. She caused Him no pain. Can you imagine?
I want to cause Jesus as little pain as possible. He gave it all so I could have it all. He deserves nothing less than my entire life in dedication to serving Him.