With A Love That Quiets All My Fears...

Soooo I’ve always said that God loves to pull pranks on me. And it’s completely true. I’m sure Him and the Saints have all gotten MANY hearty chuckles at me and my life.

I’ll admit, at the time, I am just razzled and wondering “WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW IN MY LIFE?!?!?!” but I quickly learn to laugh at the newest joke in my life. It usually ends in a simple lesson, a needed reassurance, or a reminder to trust in God. Typically, it ends in me cracking up regardless of the case, looking up to the Lord, and giggling as I ask why He couldn’t just TELL me I needed to do this or that.

But as much as I ask Him to do that, I also know that I have difficulty listening to God most of the time. I am very stubborn that way. So one of His favorite ways to make sure I get His message is to mess with me.

To be completely honest, I’m fine with it.

Haha. Today He was a bit rough with me. I was on my way to Indy to visit a good friend for her formal. I needed to make the 3:23pm Metra train into the city in order to catch the Amtrak down to Indy. 

Problem was, when I looked at the schedule, I did not see 3:23pm. I saw 3:32pm.

As we pulled into the station at 3:20pm, we saw a train and then minutes later saw it pull away and that was when I realized what had happened. Sooooo I had to take the next train at 4:07. Problem was, this train got in only EIGHT MINUTES before my Amtrak left.

Said train decided to also be EIGHT MINUTES late pulling into Union Station. Needless to say, I ended up crying and watching as the last train to Indy departed. Dejected, I called my mom crying. I found a bus, but it was getting all kinds of creeping after a certain time if you get my drift so my dad came to pick me up and drove me down to Indianapolis. A four hour drive. Yeah. He’s pretty awesome.

So where’s the HAHAHAHAHA OMG GOD YOU ARE SERIOUSLY HILARIOUS LOL LOL LOL moment?

Well, I’m still kind of waiting for it.

I’m typically pretty good at quickly finding a positive in any situation and figuring out how anything that hurts me or breaks me down is making me stronger. With this, I was at a loss. A complete loss. I made it to my friend’s place. It was a huge inconvenience for my parents and me. We wasted money. What was the point God was making out of that situation? What was He trying to show me?

And I just don’t know. But I am absolutely sure there was some good that came out of it. I just have to trust it. And who knows? Maybe the good wasn’t for me. Maybe me missing the trains somehow affected someone else. Maybe it did something for my parents. Maybe a stranger noticed me reading my Bible in the station as I waited for my dad and that touched them. Who knows?

We’re only human. Our understanding of things like this is actually pathetic. Our mental capabilities are incomparable to God’s infinite knowledge and wisdom. We just need to trust Him. One day, when I will HOPEFULLY be entering His Heavenly Kingdom, I will get to ask Him what the point was. I know it has a reason and is a good one. I don’t know what it is, but I can confidently say there is one.

And hey. Who knows? Maybe His response will be, “ehhhh you’re fun to mess with” and we can laugh about it into eternity.

I have to say, I haven’t been this disappointed in myself in a very very VERY long time. I’ve been scared to write this post because of it, but I promised to be honest and share not just my victories, but my failures too.

Well. I failed. I failed hard.

Saturday night around 2am (I had a priest once say nothing good ever happens after midnight and he is SO RIGHT), I picked up my drunk ex-boyfriend and we headed to his place.

And I caved.

I fell for his “I still love you”s and “I knew we’d get back together”s and “I have missed you so much”s. We were up until 6am and then we fell asleep together. We spent the whole day together and I didn’t leave until 6pm.

We decided to work on ourselves and then revisit a relationship. But here’s the thing….uhhhh no.

While I rededicated myself to God when we broke up, he rededicated himself to more earthly pleasures (if you get my drift). Like right away. Does that sound like love to you? Does that sound like someone who cares? No.

He didn’t regret it. Without saying, he made it quite evident he’s going to do the same thing.

I’m not waiting for him.

Within minutes of being with him, I forgot Him. A guy who goes off and forgets everything he had been practicing chastity-wise with me for a year after only a week of breaking it off is most certainly not worth my time or energy and my goodness above all no one is worth me sacrificing part of my relationship with God.

He’s not the good guy I once thought he was. It’s amazing how clouded your head can get when you fall for someone. It’s amazing how wrong you can be about a person. This taught me so much. It especially taught me so much about him. And he is absolutely not the one for me.

I believe in change and I will continue to pray that one day he does, but this chapter is closed for good. I’m not waiting for someone like him. He has hurt me more than anyone else in my life.

I immediately went to confession after mass that night. I was so horrified at myself and my actions. I am trying to forgive myself as God has already done. I was reminded of the truest love from Him. I was reminded that in love, you would do anything for the person you love. Jesus died on the cross for me. He gave it all so I could be with Him in Heaven one day. He took on all of my sins because He loved me.

God is the ultimate example of love. I am looking to Him to know what love truly is from now on. It’s not just about feelings. It’s about God’s will and actions backing your words. If you love someone, go and truly love them. Bring them to Heaven. Encourage godly behaviors. Pray for them. Be the best person for them. Show them constantly that you love them. 

I am attempting to lessen the disappointment I have in myself and the overall anger towards myself so I’m sorry if this doesn’t seem like I realized my own part in this. I am disgusted by myself and my actions, but it has helped me to once again see that what I am doing with this fast is right and true. I was tested and I gave into the Enemy. He knows the good this fast is doing. He hates it. I am doing something right. Next time he tempts me, I am choosing God. I am saying no. 

I won’t give in. I am God’s.

Ok so I kind of have this new awesome friend. For his sake, we’ll call him Anakin (because I love little boy Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars and I secretly adore that name, but also know if I ever named my child that, they would be a fuh-reak for life so in protecting my friend’s identity online, I find freedom to name him Anakin [that was all useless, I know]). Anyway, Anakin is doing a dating fast too and we were talking a bit about it. He said something that touched on a topic we had discussed in an earlier discussion. It went something like this, “doing a dating fast isn’t about saying no to dating or flirting. It’s about saying yes to God!”

Ummmmm heck yeah it is! This fast has shown me how to give my attention to God only. It’s about giving everything to Him. I am keeping my heart for Him and giving it completely. I am giving God all my love. I am not saying no to things. I am saying yes to the right things for me right now.

I would always meet a guy and immediately try and figure out if he had “potential.” I am guilty of somehow sneaking in the following questions into conversation after meeting a guy:

Question: “Oh so what are you studying? What do you want to do with that?”
Translation: How bright is your future and will it be able to handle the shopping sprees I hope to go on in the future? I want my children to look adorable at all times and I want like twelve kids so can you guarantee we’d be financially secure? Can you afford the best medical insurance for me and the children with mental disabilities I want to adopt?

Question: “Some comment on Catholicism.”
Translation: I’m waiting for you to understand my reference to the Paschal Triidum. This is a test. You better be the bestest Catholic everrrrrr (because I am, right? [that was a sarcastic stab at myself just so everyone understands that I know I sooooo am not]) because I’m not going to date anyone less than a saint (same thing).

Question: “Do you like Harry Potter?”
Translation: Not needed. Deal breaker. Obviously.

Question: “How are you?”
Translation: If you say “good” and not “well,” then I know you may not be the most intellectually inclined person. I’m a grammar freak. Don’t even get me started by saying “I could care less…”

Soooooo is anyone else besides me disgusted with myself for doing this? This is what I would do way back when I was single. This was my pride coming out. This was me not caring for the person, but instead only for myself.

With this project, I don’t think of it as giving up flirting and the behaviors I just described. I think of it as gaining something more. I think of it as gaining good friendships. I think of it as a way for God to lead me to godly people and cultivate friendships with them. I am gaining so much by giving up a little.

Instead of treating guys like nothing more but potential husbands and using them, I am choosing to respect them as human beings and my brothers in Christ. It sounds ridiculous, but I really don’t know how to do that because I have always focused on marriage potentials in guys. By focusing on how to be friends with guys, I have started to learn how to be a better friend to the ladies in my life.

Better friendships is only one example of what I am gaining from God by giving up dating. By bringing my focus to God, I am being opened up to my future. I am being shown His path for me more clearly. Most importantly, I am gaining a much closer relationship with my Almighty Father. The graces and love that overflow from that make everything worth it.

I’m saying no to the world and a mighty YES to God and His Heavenly Kingdom.

P.S. It’s already been two weeks. Whoa.

Have you ever met someone or a couple who is/are soooooo unhappy with the relationship they are in? I’m not talking about relationships where there is abuse. That is a whole other spectrum. I am talking about the relationships where one or both partners don’t seem to be enjoying it. They just go through the motions, smile when expected to, and push away their feelings of knowing it just isn’t right.

That’s what’s so great about having a relationship with Jesus Christ. It should never feel like that. Having a relationship with God means peace and joy. Always. The worries of a typical earthly relationship like the fear of not being loved, holding something in your heart and worrying about if they’d be forgiven by your partner, and jealousy worries are non-existent. There is only love, hope, and trust.

Tonight was the kick-off to the Easter season. Such a blessed season of such joy. Our Savior has risen! Ah! Oh my gosh! He did what he totally promised to do. Boom. What a boss. Our sins are forgiven. The Lord who knows our hearts literally more than we know our own hearts still sees in us the beauty of who we are. He sees beyond the dark spots of our heart. He knows our sufferings and He puts them to rest. He watches us in our worst moments. He feels the pain of those we hurt. He looks on as we give into a moment of temptation and as we give into sin knowingly. He sees and knows all of this and still He thinks we are worth dying for. How inconceivable is that?

He sees everything and He forgives those who ask for forgiveness. It doesn’t matter how bad you think your sin is. He forgives it. It doesn’t matter how badly you hurt someone. He forgives it. It doesn’t matter how much you doubt Him sometimes. He forgives it. His crucifixion gave us new life for those of us that ask for it and ask for that forgiveness. We are able to make clean and pure so that we may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

So how can you not be joyful with a God like that? How can you not be joyful when you are so fully loved?

To be able to go through life in a beautiful relationship with someone who will forgive you for any mistake you make is amazing. To constantly be seeking to be closer with Him and to know that one day you will be with Him in eternal happiness is a beautiful way of living life. To know that He suffered your sufferings with you and felt your guilt as you did brings about an amazing sense of being understood by Him. To know that no matter what, God has a beautiful plan for you and that as bad as things sometimes seem to get, His plan always wins out is amazing. 

So go forth and be joyful. Go and proclaim that God is Lord and He has reign over the world. Show the world how loved you are by exuding the joy of the Lord. Let your smile be a beacon of God’s light. May you dance around and laugh because you know this world is nothing compared to Heaven you hope to reside in for eternity.

Easter season is a time of immense joy. Jesus was resurrected. Our God is not dead. He’s fully alive and will live and reign forever. Be joyful in that. Your God is amazing and He loves you enough to send His only son to die so that you may have eternal life. You are just THAT loved. 

This entry will serve as days ten and eleven so I may enjoy Easter with my family. I’ll let you know if I change my mind. ;)

“But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. For you bless the righteous, O LORD; you cover him with favor as with a shield.” 

- Psalms 5:11-12 

“The men whom I have seen succeed best in life have always been cheerful and hopeful men, who went about their business with a smile on their faces, and took the changes and chances of this mortal life like men, facing rough and smooth alike as it came.” 

- Charles Kingsley

I have always considered myself to be a giving and compassionate person. I volunteer when an opportunity arises. I always give the dollar when they ask for a donation in the grocery store. I’ve been a bell ringer asking for donations.

But as good as that looks, it’s not enough. I should be serving God and His people every single day, in some way.

Tonight was Holy Thursday. In the gospel coming from John 13:1-15, the story of Jesus washing the feet of his disciples is told. After he finishes, he leaves his disciples with these words:

He said to them, “Do you realize what I have done for you?
You call me ‘teacher’ and ‘master,’ and rightly so, for indeed I am.
If I, therefore, the master and teacher, have washed your feet, 
you ought to wash one another’s feet.
I have given you a model to follow, 
so that as I have done for you, you should also do.” (John 13:12-15)

Is anyone else’s mind just completely blown? Our God. Our Lord. Our Savior. Our everything. He humbled himself enough to lower himself and wash the feet of his twelve disciples. Can you imagine doing such a thing? I have no position of power. I am not a leader of anything.  I am nothing compared to Jesus Christ and thinking about washing another’s feet freaked me out and sparked a mini panic attack. Really, Colleen? Really?

Now of course, that was me taking it in the literal sense. Jesus was telling his disciples to go out, humble themselves, and serve others as he had humbled and served them. There are so many ways I can do this in my life, many of which I won’t even know about until the moment comes.

I love leading. I love being in control and in charge of everything. Things in AGD, group projects, heck, even family vacations (I held a “mandatory” Spanish phrase teaching session for my family in the limo on the way to the airport before we flew off to Mexico. What does that tell you?) I am so attached to having that control. I control whatever I can. I need to be a follower of God now. I need to let Him do the leading. I need to learn how to put myself in the position of a follower. I need to learn to listen to instructions. It’s a work in progress, but I’ll get there. I’ve been told many times before that I intimidate people. How horrible is that! I don’t want to be perceived in that way! I want people to be able to come to me with anything. By letting that controlling pride in me go, I can become that person.

In the coming fall, I don’t want to take on anymore leadership roles. Will I help with Titan Catholic getting started up? Absolutely. But I just want to get it going and then let God take over. If He leads through me, fine. With everything else though, no thank you. No exec board in Law Society. No position in APO. I’m just going to be one in the crowd. I’m going to learn how to be a sheep in the flock following my Sheperd.

By truly humbling myself, I can become the hands and feet of the Lord. I can do the dirty work. I can wash the feet of His people. It is so important that I learn to serve as He did and humble myself as He did.

I ask for your prayers as I continue to work on this. Thanks for your support in reading. =]

I don’t like it when people figure out my flaws. I don’t like it when people know my struggles (especially those where I seem to always lose). I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if people knew all the sins I struggle with in my heart.

But sometimes, the best way to overcome those struggles and sins is to let others in on them. You’ll always be accountable to God, but it helps when you have someone else to hold you accountable and not be afraid to ask “so how have you been doing with _____?”

Some people have mentors they look up to. Others have mentees who look up to them. Close friends, church leaders, your mom.  The possibilities for an accountabuddy are endless. This blog is my way of staying accountable. Slowly I’ve started to share it with more and more people in my life. I’m nervous about it. I don’t lie on this blog. I am raw and honest. About my failures and my life. It’s only the beginning and I’m sure this journey is going to have rough spots and I am going to fall. I already have had some slip-ups and I was able to talk to a friend about them.

So today I started contacting more people and sharing my blog. These women (they ended up all being women…oops?) are women who understand what a relationship with God means and entails. These women have felt the same struggles. These women won’t be afraid to ask “so how has that been going?” or say “you seem like you’re struggling with emotional chastity. Let’s talk about it.”

These ladies have hearts looking to the Lord. They understand the virtue of chastity. They see the beauty in each of us that God has created. Just by knowing that they know the project I am working on and could ask at any point about it has fueled my will to stick with it. I want so badly to do this for God, but I also know I am weak and this is just the beginning of my reigniting of my relationship with Him. It will get easier to do this for Him, but now I need that extra boost from my sisters in Christ down here.

Sharing this has required a bit of humbling and that’s good. God is working in me. I want to be able to share my struggles with others. I want to be able to own up to my sins and tell the world that I am not perfect and I am a sinner, but I am forgiven by God. By sharing that, I hope to open others to Him and show them that the Church is not full of people who think they are perfect. The Church is filled with sinners. The sins vary, but every single one of us is a sinner. I have gotten better at looking down at others for their particular sins. How is their sin of lustful thoughts any different from my proud thoughts? We are both choosing to entertain such thoughts away from God.

So this is my way of giving others the chance to see that I am a sinner too. I am a sinner that needs not only the help of the Lord up in Heaven, but from all my Christian brothers and sisters here on Earth. I need support. I need encouragement. I need someone to talk to when I am struggling. I need someone to embarrass me into better shape if I start falling. I am a proud woman who needs to be humbled and this is a great way to do it.

I’ve prayed hard about this journey with Christ. I took in the signs. I know this is something I am going to do and need to do. I will not fail. I may stumble, but it’s good to know I have my sisters here to pick me up off the ground.

On a completely different note, this quote was posted today on the Facebook of Whole Magazine. This is a Christian woman written e-mag and I seriously love it. The articles are phenomenal and really speak to young women. I encourage you all to check it out. A friend of mine is actually a writer for The Identity Project! You can find her here. Anyway, this quote was perfect for my project and may end up being my go-to quote to keep me encouraged!

Anyone who knows me knows I am here, then there, then over there, and back again. My mind is so easily distracted. I can’t sit still. I thrive on change and movement. I can’t stay with one thing for too long. Me doing homework looks like this weird “20 minutes of reading this, then write a paragraph for this, then write up some flashcards, now return to the reading” way of getting stuff done.

So for me, focus, concentration, and full attention are words that are repelled by the likes of people like me.

I will admittedly say I can be a pretty awful friend sometimes because I just can’t focus on the person or what he/she is telling me. If you go beyond like two minutes with a story, I am lost. I’ll try really really REALLY hard to pay attention, but it just won’t happen. 

So adoration for me is really difficult. Like crazy difficult sometimes. St. Therese of Liseux is one of my fave saints because she fell asleep while saying her prayers so that makes me feel ridiculously better about my life. She fell asleep during her prayers and I would say she turned out all right.

But I digress. While the Little Flower makes me feel better about the fact that I’m only human and I lose my attention sometimes, that doesn’t mean it’s ok to me. I don’t want to lose attention or get sleepy. I want to be completely awake and present and talking to the Holy Spirit when Jesus is right in front of me. I want every thought that passes through my mind to be on Him. I want to be carefully listening for Him. I want to be able to sit and just talk to Him. For five minute. For twenty minutes. For the full hour of adoration.

Yesterday in adoration, I am pretty sure there was a period of maybe five minutes where I was sleeping. No jokes. No exaggeration. How dare I? God is right there. Right in front of me. And I fall asleep. I must be the WORST daughter of God.

What’s so interesting to me about this project is that originally it was about getting closer to God and becoming the woman of Christ who would be worthy of a man of Christ and preparing myself for him, but after just thefirst few days, I have seen such parallels between our relationships with others and our relationships with God.

The topic of attention particularly brings that together for me. I don’t listen enough to people. I don’t focus on the words of the person enough or what he or she is trying to say. I am always moving onto the next topic of conversation or story before they’ve barely begun their first one. In adoration, I couldn’t just be in the moment with God and focusing on Him. While praying in the beginning, I was already thinking about if I wanted to read my devo book or say a rosary. As I prayed my devo, I was getting excited about journalling. As I was journalling, I was looking at my watch to see the time and if I was finished with my hour because I had errands to run. At some point in all of this, I took a cat nap.

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU LOVE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!

I am the same way with my relationships. I read articles online while skyping. I read in the car while my mom is trying to have a conversation. I get distracted on some other random train of thought as my friend speaks and my response alludes not to her words, but to where my mind took me.

Being a good friend, spouse, or daughter of God means you triumph above those temptations. You choose to focus on that person or God, because you love him or her. It’s sacrificing your silly thoughts for the greater good of caring for what your friend or God has to say because it is more important.

It is going to take awhile for me to learn how to focus on God. It’s going to take some time to learn how to just be in the moment with everything in my life in general instead of always looking towards the next thing. That’s no way to live and it is certainly no way to love.

head for the past few days, but I need to get them down in words and recorded for the world to see.

• No touchy - Nothing, but hugs. No hand holding. No kissing. No kisses on the cheek. No touching someone’s arm or back. No playful pushes. Nothing, but a quick hug to say hi or goodbye.
• No cuddling - Meh. I love me some schnuggles, but they are not allowed. With anyone. Just no.
• No flirting - Know the line between being nice and peppy and being flirty. Be honest with yourself. If you catch yourself crossing the line, tone it down.
• Write a love letter to God every week - Take time to reflect on how your relationship has improved with Him in the previous week. Thank Him for all He has done and given you. How have you failed Him? Apologize. Think of how you can improve your relationship in the coming week. Adore God. Give Him praise. Love Him.
• No Facebook creeping - If you say you don’t do this, you’re a straight liar. Own up to it. If you meet a guy, get to know him in real life, not based off of what you see on Facebook. Facebook can be so deceiving. You can either build up someone to who they say they are on Facebook or you can completely be turned off by somebody great who seems boring or weird of his/her profile. Facebook creeping turns into an obsession and takes focus off of God.
• Spend time with Him - Go to adoration at least once a week. Spend time just sitting there with Him. Talk with Him. Adore Him. Hand Him over your worries. Let Him help you with them. Give Him your full love and attention.
• Thank Him constantly for the gifts He gives you - Everything you have was given by Him. We often think of food and shelter, but think of the tiny things that make HUGE differences. Can you imagine life without toilet paper? Seriously. When is the last time you thanked God for toilet paper? Small thing. Big difference.
• Get involved in church - Find a ministry to get involved in or to help with. Spend more time at church. Be a part of the community.
• When you talk to Him, focus only on Him - No lazy half-hearted, I’m-thinking-about-other-things-and-getting-distracted prayers. Put all of your attention on Him completely like He deserves.
• No planning - This means weddings, babies (however, if a cute name is heard, I am DEFINITELY adding it to the note on my phone), or my husband. I can’t plan any of these things and I don’t know who I am going to end up with or what his life looks like and how it will affect mine. I can prepare for those in my future, but not to the point where I am looking at which bridesmaid dresses are my favorites.
• Take care of your temple - Your body is B-E-A-UTIFUL and gosh darn it, show it some respect! Workout often. Eat healthy. Prepare yourself. Be healthy for not just yourself and God, but the ones who love you.
• No dirty mouth - No swearing. No dirty jokes. No gossip. In a relationship, you need to give some in order to show you truly care for the other. By giving up on these, you are showing God that you care so much about Him. Plus, God loves everyone. You should love those your love loves (does that make sense to anyone else?). Would you gossip about your best friend’s mom? No, because she loves her mama. Well, everyone is a child of God. If you want to be closer to God, don’t diss His children or swear at them!
• Don’t listen to/watch bad media - I touched on this a bit before, but don’t listen to music that denounces God or goes against His teachings. Same goes for other types of media. It’s totes awk when you’re trying to strengthen your relationship with God and then you get into the car and listen to a song screaming about getting all hot up in a club with a bunch *****es. Get my drift?
• Love yourself - Ok this is huge for me, but I am going to try to go one day a week without wearing any make-up (breathe, Colleen, breathe). I know I am beautiful and fearfully made, but then why do I wear make-up EVERYWHERE and hide behind it? I need to love myself. Go without make-up. Try. Love your skin. It’s beautiful. Just the way God likes it.